know your enemy.

appearence.
we all know it, and know it well.
it is everywhere.

its when we find things appealing, pleasing and beautiful.


why is it that i seem to find SO many people to have a fantastic appearence, yet
i have only found one boy who thinks of me that way?!

not that i find every boy as wonderful as i find this one. he's so special to me.
but hes the only boy who says to me your beautiful.

is it a secret.

just as i keep others who i find pleasent in their appearence, a secret.

i dont tell.

maybe they dont tell either.

but its weird.
i feel so ... i dunno.

i guess discouraged.

i guess i lost hope.

i guess....?


why are feelings so overbearing?
they are all i think about.


im so obsessed with what people think of me,
how i think of people...


i just i guess i wish everything was more black and white.

i wish i just knew if someone liked me, and if they didnt.

im sick of people hiding their feelings.
im sick of people being fake around me.
im sick of it all.


black and white...that's all i want...

Collide.

So, i finally saw you today.
it was fun.
i love love love you.
Xo.

i want to get to know you.

I love you.


so think about that,
i really do love you. and i mean it, yesi know what i love you means.

it means
i care for you.
i want to be with you
you make me laugh
you make me smile



i love you.


i love your voice.
how you talk to me
your eyes.
your arms.
your abs.

your amazing sense of humor,


i love you

yes i mean it


you give me butterflys.

you give me hope

you give me so much.


so i deserve you?!

prob. not....


but it''s okay, because i know you love me too.

i know
you care for me
you want to be with me
i make you laugh
i make you smile.


i know you love my eyes
my smile
my sense of humor
my swagg ;)

i know i give you buttterflys, and hope and all that good stuff..




i love you.








a lot.

here we go.

So i think i am shallow.
i mean arent we all?

whats the first thing you notice about someone, not their striking personality or compassionate tone.

its how they look.

and i mean i think we are all like that.

but for me i feel uuber guilty.
i can not longer look ppl in the eyes when they are talking to me.

i simply look at those around us and judge.

i already know who im talking to is pretty, i have already assessed what they are wearing, theyr hair and even perfume.


i have become so concerned about appearence.

i mean i judge people HARSHLY too. its not like a oh they are in payjama bottoms, rough day.

no, no, NO! i think WTF?!?! where do you get off1 everyone else had to get dressed this morning for school, what the hell gives you an excpetion?!

you know that hsow what not to wear i am both Stacy and clinton, at the same time + MYSELF so im like super bitch.


I like it though.

a lot...


it makes me feel good about my appearence.

and makes me ensure that i try very hard so i do not piss off like minded people.


so yeah
im a bitch
im harsh
im rude
im not nice
im picky
and ....
im judgemental.


but thats me.

so...
too bad ;)

I find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad.

So lately i have been feeling like crap.
i feel gross.bad.not good. any other synnonyms you can think of.
Its not that i have a bad body image.
i just think hey it could be better.
but im not here to complain.
i have it better then most.


it just upsets me to see some of the most beautiful women in the world.
say they feel the same.

im not saying they dont feel that way.

but its like, if they cant be happy with themselves.
and they are perfect.
is there seuch a think as perfect?


i think.. well i dont know.

i suppose finding peace with body and mind can help.

being comftorable with who you are.
which i am 90% of the time.

but dont we all have those days where you just feel like the world should not see you.

i suppose its hard for everybody.

i guess there is more to perfection then appearence
or there should be.

imagine.

imagine. if you will
waking up every morning.
waking up to something you arenot happy with.

to no confidence
no hope
no love
no pleaseure.

imagine you wake up and you feel like crap.
you feel bloated.
and gross.


imagine you sit down to do your make up.
you realize you use make up.
you are not perfect.

imagine you put on the most amazing clothes.
and you feel horrible in them.
you are not perfect.

imagine you walk out of your house.
you look around.
it's not perfect.

what is perfect?


perfect to me is.
pure.
beauty.
love.
and humor.


your perfect.
well it's different.
your perfect is not me.


and i am okay with that.


because your not my perfect.;

im not either.


but it does exist.


imagine being me.

yeah.


i thought
so.

No.

You think you can scare me?
wear me down?
you think you can get to me?
you are wrong.

i dont care.
i hate you.
we all know it.

it's a mutual feeling.

i don't understand why this is an issue,

you did something stupid.
i didnt care.
you made it worse.
i didnt care..

I DONT CARE.

yes you make me mad.
yes your face makes me want to throw up.
yes i think you are a pussy.

Do you scare me?
NO.


you are dead to me.

DEAD.

you are an ass.
why you have friends shocks me.
why some of your friends are my friends.
i will NEVER understand.

last time i checked im not perfect.
but im not an ass hole.

you are however.

i dont get it.

i dont intend to.
i just want you to know.
yo ucan give up.
you are practically fighting a one man war.

im not fighting back.
so give up.

im not kidding.
I DONT CARE.


Do you scare me?
No.

you.

I want you.
I have you.
I love you.
I lost you.

...I want you back

10 things. for your consideration.

I hate that look you give me.
I hate that feeling i get.
I hate this.
I hate pain.
I hate a lot.
a lot about myself.
a lot about you.
a lot.

I hate that you care.
I hate that i care.
I love you.

a funny feeling

i've got this funny feeling.
i feel worthless, tired, beaten.
i feel like nothing.
to you.
i'm not pretty.
i find it harder everyday to look in the mirror.to face you.
you judge.
you hate.
i cry.
it hurts.

this feeling.
is pain
is suffering
is not being enough.

not pretty enough.
not thin enough.
not loud enough.
not smart enough.

i'm not enough.
will i be enough?
who knows.

then i met you.

you made me realize.
im not pretty enough.
im not smart enough.
im not loud enough.

you make me feel.
beautiful.
brilliant.
well-spoken.

you make me feel.
butterflys in my stomach.
light headed.
and warm.

i used to feel hate.
distress.
empty.

now i feel love.
happiness
complete.


i know im not enough.
i never will be.


but knowing that you can settle for that.

gives me a funny feeling

Moderate

So recently i was inspired by some of my best friends.
four to be exact.

i love them with all my heart, it's true.

i love them.. i don't know what i would do with out them.
they know what to say to make me feel great.
they are perfect.
in my eyes, even if not theirs.


we have the stupidest inside jokes..
you woudln't understand.
we go to the weirdest places.
you wouldn't understand.


we tell each other lots.
not everything.
because, we don't have to.

so many things i know.
and they don't need to tell me.
i can see it in their eyes.
i know them all too well.

some would say best friends.
that sounds lame.
some would say sisters,
cheesey.

i would say...


well i don;t knwo what i would call them... but i know they are amazing.

they have the best style.
it's true.

we
. laugh.
.cry.
.hug.
and even fight.

it doesnt matter.
they know i will still love them

no matter what.
im honestly speechless.
they are so amamzing and we have so many memories i don't know where to begin.



I LOVE YOU

Tessa Silva.
Sahel Tahvaldari ( i tried... i've known you how long and i still can't spell it.)
Maria Quadri
Hira Imran



<3

It's funny how when people say forever, they lie.
i will love you forever, no lie. <3